Jay dies and there's NYE madness

I got up quite early with every intention of getting on the train early so I could miss the rush. According to the news there were meant to be about 60,000 people trying to get from London to the North West so I wanted to get a head start.

Then my phone rang. I didn't recognise the number but I answered it anyway.

"Hi Matthew. It's Clae," I heard.
"Oh my god - Clae, how are you? Did you have a good Christmas?" I replied.
"I'm actually not that good," Clae said.
"Oh really?" I said. "What's wrong? You sound really bad."

I've known Clae for about 3 years now after he came along to be in the audience of Celebrity Big Brother a few years back with my friend Jay. I'd met Jay on the internet back in the day and he was a very attractive boy from Cape Town who had dreams of becoming a singer but had ended up working on the underground. We'd gone for a few dates but then become friends. Jay and Clae had ended up getting married last year and I'd gone to their reception. I actually ended up becoming better friends with Clae as time went on as we seemed to be the grown ups when Jay was running around having fun and filling himself up with various substances. I'd even ended up lending them £1000 a couple of years back when their rent arrears had got to a point they were going to be thrown out of their home. They'd had trouble paying me back but had worked extra hard to get me the money. Part of me wondered if they were calling me up to borrow more money, but something told me it was worse than that. As soon as Clae started the next sentence I knew it was much, much more serious.

"I'm actually calling you up with some bad news," Clae said. He was struggling to hold it together. "I went out shopping on Saturday afternoon to Covent Garden for a few hours and left Jay on his own in the flat. They think that he either put on a chip pan of oil or that he put a meal in the oven to cook, but then went through to the living room and fell asleep on the sofa."

I stopped breathing. I didn't want to hear what I was about to hear but knew what was coming.

"I got home about 2 hours later and they'd already pulled him out of the flat and were working on him on a stretcher before getting him to hospital. They think that smoke inhalation over came him while he was asleep on the sofa. They worked on him through the night and he was on a life support system and his heart was still beating but they couldn't get a response from his brain."

By this point I was just standing in my living room with my hand over my mouth. I didn't know what to say.

"They did everything they could but at 5.30am yesterday, I waited for two of my friends to get to the hospital and then I said my goodbyes and gave my permission for them to turn his machine off," Clae said with a quivering voice.

The tears were falling from my face by now. I still didn't know what to say.

"Oh my god," was all I could manage. It just didn't feel like it could be true. Jay had so much life in him. His stunning blue eyes and his cheeky boyish grin. He was only 24 when he died.

After starting to get a grip of myself I started asking Clae questions. Where was Jay now? How was Clae coping? Was he with friends? Where was he staying if the flat was burnt out?

I didn't know what I should do. I couldn't believe that I'm getting another phone call to tell me that someone I cared about had died. Only a few months ago I was being told that my friend Tim had killed himself after having a row with his boyfriend and taking an overdose while putting a plastic bag over his head (Tim was the kind of ex-forces man who never failed at what he set out to do - even when it came to ending his own life). Now this.

I told Clae that I was heading up to Manchester today but could change my plans if he needed me to. I said I'd be back next week and he said that the funeral would be after that and he had friends looking after him. After more talking he said that he'd got to where he was going and needed to get off the phone. I told him I love him and I'll speak to him during the week.

I got off the phone and sat in silence. I was numb. It didn't feel real.

In the end I decided I had to get up and get moving. I packed up everything and locked up the flat. I went over to Clive's for a bit. I was trying to put off having to deal with a journey from hell until I knew I wasn't about to break down about the news of Jay's death.

I sat and helped Clive sort out his computer for a bit and then we walked down into town, generally chatting all the way. I love Clive so much for the fact that sometimes he'll just let me be with him without asking any questions and just pottering about with me. I thought I was OK so I headed to King's Cross to get on the train to Sheffield. I had a bit of time so I got a glass of champagne at the long champagne bar and toasted Jay.

Then I got on the train. I still felt numb. I got a bottle of wine and a sandwich. I sat on the train on my own and drank my wine. The journey wasn't at all stressful and where ever these 60,000 people were, they weren't on my train. I think in the end I dozed off for a bit and woke up as we came into Sheffield.

There was a bit of a delay but I waited on the station. With everything that was going on in my head, I almost forgot it was New Year's Eve. There were some cute boys on the platform who were wearing nothing more than T-shirts (in -2 temperatures) and people were drinking from cans. I got on a train to Manchester and got to Manchester at around 7.30pm. I was tired and wanted to go to bed.

As I walked across the concourse at Piccadilly I saw a hooded top and jeans that I really recognised. It was 'Lovely Tim'. It really began to feel strange - how many times can I bump into someone in the space of one week in various parts of the country without even trying? Talk about fate.

He was with other people so I didn't want to say anything out of turn. I walked past him and didn't even know if he'd seen me. I stopped to answer my phone when Andy called me and as I stopped he passed me and flashed me a typically lovely smile. He'd seen me.

I headed to Sainsbury's and got some stuff in. A bottle of sparkling wine and a Chinese meal. And some cat food for Spirit and Sable. I got the bus home and when I walked in the flat I expected chaos but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I cleaned the place up a bit and cooked the food. I had a bath and was so tired that I was seriously considering just going to bed.

I ate my food and drank some wine. But then around 10.30pm my friend Gerwyn called to check and see if I was still going to his New Year's Party. I sorted myself out and took a bottle of wine with me.

I found his flat and walked in. Michael and Martin were there. Jon was also there (from Christmas Day). Paula was there and was the life and soul of the party as ever. Her nephew Jon and his girlfriend Emma was there as well. Jon and I got on really, really well and just started getting very silly together. I won't lie. He was attractive. He is also a marine and that has to make things even better. But he was with his girlfriend and she was also lovely. I put the attractiveness to the back of my mind and enjoyed just being silly with him.

We all got drunk and watched the New Year in on the telly with Take That on at the O2 Arena. It was all good fun.

Jon and I started a dare game of putting everything in the finger buffet in Thai dipping sauce. We put donuts in it and found out they really go well with it. We also put chocolate logs in it too and that was nice. We found out that Vanilla slices aren't so nice in sweet chili sauce.

"It tastes like a mouthful of cum!" he said laughing.

Now how the hell does a straight marine know what a mouthful of cum tastes like? Emma did explain in the end and we won't go into it on here.

So after a while we all decided to walk into town and go to Hollywood Show Bar. Jon and I got in and went to the coat check and then to the loo. My phone started ringing and it was Gerwyn screaming down the phone "Matthew! Please don't shag him! Emma's in tears thinking that you've gone off with him somewhere!"

Part of me was angry that he would think I'd do it but I kept my cool and just told him that I wouldn't do that. It was fine and we joined them. Emma was upset and Gerwyn kept repeating "Matthew please don't try to shag him. Please". What got me that Gerwyn was making out that Jon had no free will of his own and would stop being straight if I decided to hit on him. Of course he wouldn't and that's why I wasn't going to bother trying to shag him. Unfortunately, Gerwyn didn't seem to understand this. But then again, we were all very drunk so I can't blame him for being so over-dramatic.

In the end I kind of left them to their little drama that I seemed to have become embroiled in. Micheal and Martin and I danced around being very silly together. Their friend Paul turned up and we were all dancing around. Drunk. I think I can remember snogging Paul a bit, but just for fun.

We left and headed for Morning Glory. As we left, 2 lads kind of grabbed me and started chatting to me. They said that they wanted to take me back to their hotel but (after considering it for a while) I left them to it and rejoined Michael, Martin and Paul. We went to Morning Glory for a bit but I got tired and wanted to go home to bed. I got out of the club and wandered down Canal Street.

I passed a good looking slim blond lad outside The Rembrandt. We got chatting and he was called Tom and he was from Newcastle. We ended up snogging and stuff in Sackville Gardens. I walked him to his hotel and said I'd come and find him at 11.30am and take him back to my place.

I headed home to my flat. I walked home - though I don't really know why. I don't really remember the journey home but I made it and fell into bed. Unfortunately, I woke up after 3.30pm so missed out on the chance to meet up with Tom.

That was certainly a very long but very full 36 hours.