Stress of life

Why do things get so stressful so quickly?

I'm loving my job, but with days to go to the live event at Hampton Court Palace it seems as if things that could have been sorted out weeks ago are now suddenly really urgent and it's all a bit frantic.

At least this time next week it'll all be over and I'll be on the dole again (although I can't actually sign on).

The exciting bit is that at least on the night I'll be looking after Rachel Stevens (SClub7 / Strictly Come Dancing) and Richard Hammond (Top Gear/Brainiac). That's if I'm still working here by then of course.

And Chris is down in the dumps. I really feel for him. It seems as if nothing's going right for him at the moment. He is starting getting sick of working as a waiter as the money's so rubbish, he didn't get accepted to do the voluntary phoneline work that would have taught him lots of new skills and when he got over that knock back, we came home from dinner last night and he found that the lap top leant to him by his friend, had a cracked screen (for no reason whatsoever). I really hope things start to change for him soon as it's horrible to see him on the verge of tears all the time.

I have two tickets to see Gordon Ramsey's Cookalong tonight, but Chris is working and I can't find anyone to go with me. Should I go on my own or should I just go home and watch Corrie as usual?

Playing soldiers in a field

Damn it I was cold.

We got the train to Three Bridges, which is just past Gatwick Airport. We got a 20-quid cab ride to the location and found our dressing room was a Horse Trailer next to A Big Pile Of Horse Manure.

It smelt but it was warm.

Then we got to meet 3 men from the Mercian Regiment who had been out in Afghanistan with the man who we were doing a film about. I admit that Gareth, one of the soldiers, caught my eye. He was big, he was strong, he had a scar on his top lip, he had green eyes and a cheeky smile. And he was in uniform.

Then we got kitted out. Gareth helped me get changed and made sure all my equipment and outfit was in the right place. I smiled a lot. After that we got shown how to hold and use our firearms by a very cool man called John. He has been in the special forces for 33 years and seriously knew what he was talking about. He took me under his wing and showed me everything I needed to know about how to stand, walk, talk and fire like a soldier. I had massive respect for the man and felt proud that he seemed to favour me over the other boys.

Did I mention Harry? I acquired a rather manky, bedraggled and hairy Cocker Spaniel called Harry. I don't know which farm he belonged to but Harry was by no means a preened puppy. He had knots and burrs. He had tangled hair and a thing on his bottom lip that might have had any respectable vet approaching him with a large needle of sleepforever juice.

But Harry had something special. He was just happy as hell to be alive and couldn't believe that so many new friends had come to see him. Harry decided that I was the friend of all friends and stuck by my side like glue. I didn't mind the smell that was coming from him that much at all because of the amount of love that was coming from the smelly mound of fur that was constantly at my ankles.

Then we started filmed. Lots of walking back and forth. A bit of dancing round a fire (and some of cooking that earned me a nickname of Delia). Then the real stuff came. We had to start throwing ourself into puddles on a muddy field with frost on the ground (and on our rucksacks as well) at -6. There was gunfire and explosions going on while we were on our fronts crawling through endless freezing, muddy puddles just to make it more fun.

Eventually it stopped being fun and we were praying for it all to end. Eventually it did (at 10.30pm) and we got out of our kits and into normal clothes. Then there was the journey home to consider, but we eventually arrived at Kings Cross at 2am. I finally got home at 2.30pm and had to have a bath just so I could feel my feet.

After a few hours of sleep I was up and at 'em and back in the office. Dear God.

Playing soldiers

So I'm still at Two Four Broadcast and working on The Millies for Sky One until 18 December. It's turning out to be a good show - a bit like a Military version of The Pride of Britain awards with the likes of Prince Charles, Gordon Brown and David Cameron involved. There's been a right hoo ha about getting Rachel Stevens out to Afghanistan to present an award and all because she's still in Strictly Come Dancing we've gone with Nell McAndrew instead (she's a forces sweetheart anyway so it makes good sense to have her go).

However, I have no idea what I'll be doing for work come the New Year. I'm sure something will turn up...

Today, the other researcher and I are going down to Sussex to play at being soldiers under a Taliban ambush. It's bloody freezing outside and they want us to stand in a muddy field, dressed up like soldiers and run around a bit. It's like my old days as a film extra in Gladiator, Shakespeare in Love and Notting Hill. I'm sure at some point I was dressed up as a WWII soldier and an airman as well...

I've got so many thermal clothes with me I could open my own market stall. I pray to God that the day goes well enough.

But at the moment, my main concern is food. I went to the gym last night and have come to work without breakfast so I could eat a horse.

Work's not that bad after all...

Despite a weekend of worrying - they'd moved my producer so he sits next to me and it actually makes me feel as though we're a team. Now I'm home again and eating a lovely rare fillet steak with french mustard and a nice Shiraz while watching Wild At Heart from the start. I love this show - it reminds me of my days in Cape Town.
Chris is at work until late tonight and tomorrow and I'm starting to be surprised at how much I don't like being in the flat without him - despite years of being convinced that I'd never be comfortable having someone else in my space.

Oh it's an exciting life...

Saturday night and what did I do? I went to the gym for a work out and sun bed, cooked a casserole and watched X Factor. And I wired my way through a bottle wine by the time Chris came home and then I went on (and on and on apparently) about wanting a puppy and kitten before eventually giving up and going to bed.
And to think there used to be a time when I wouldn't have dreamed of staying in on a Saturday night in case I was missing anything... Maybe I'll just go and do the dishes and some light dusting to make the weekend even more wild and crazy.

Halloween

I used to love Halloween but this year it just didn't feel very spooky at all. It was a glorious sunny day and freezing as fuck. I was at work trying to get the Military Bravery Awards celebrity audience list together and Maria came back from Florida. She was busy chatting to the exec's about her next assignment but we got the chance to catch up in the end.
So I ended up getting back home in time to watch Corrie and Eastenders but I was so tired and it was so cold that I couldn't be bothered with the whole carving pumkins things and I ended up in bed at about 9pm - only to be woken up at 2am by Chris as he stumbled in from a Halloween Party just a little bit worse for wear. I left him to finish off the last of the Fajitas from the night before and went back to sleep... When I woke up he was asleep on the sofa so I put him into bed and tidied up. Domestic bliss hey?

I'm back...

So I'm back. What a summer I've had... after working on Seven Deadly Sins I went straight onto Wife Swap and it was AWFUL. Talk about a mental producer. She was MENTAL. She kept sending me out to literally beg people to appear on the show - without thinking that a man wandering around Clapham Common asking single women with children for their phone numbers might arouse some suspicion.
Then I did some development research with a producer that I literally wanted to punch from morning to night. In fact, just thinking about her now makes me want to cause her physical harm.
But after that I didn't work for about 6 weeks and spent that time getting the new kitchen fitted (and it's lovely), tidying and cleaning the flat and throwing some paint at the walls. So at least the flat looks nice.
And everything is still wonderful with Chris and I. He's just so lovely.
Workwise, I'm back at Two Four and working on a military awards show for Sky One, where I'm finding celebs to endorse the show and might even have to go out to Afghanistan to do some filming at some point.
But more importantly than all that - it's Halloween. I need to carve my pumpkin...

Wife Swap

So I've left Seven Deadly Sins behind me and moved on to Channel 4's series 'Wife Swap'. It's a great show with a top notch company so it all bodes well. Considering it's meant to be really hard to get your foot in the door at RDF then I must be doing something right.

The team are really nice - all girls so we get on really well and I'm still at the enthusiastic puppy dog stage. Despite being a bit sunburnt from a day repotting palm trees in the garden on Saturday I've been through the papers and printed out loads of fliers today.

Though it's hometime and I think I'll head back to the flat, watch Eastenders, have some food and then head to a few lesbian and gay bars in Islington and Stoke Newington to see if I can drum up some trade.

Or I might just stay in and do it tomorrow afternoon instead. Hey ho...

The end of Sins

Will it never end?

I thought I'd finished on The Seven Deadly Sins and here I am again. Frankly I've stopped caring about people who eat living octopus in Los Angeles and finding pie eaters in Wigan.

I had an interview today for a job on Wife Swap and I think I could do that. Of course I might not feel the same in a few weeks time.

But when you consider that I sent out 10 copies of my C.V. earlier this week and have had 2 interviews and several positive responses I feel pretty confident about my place in television. And I have a feeling that if I take the job at Wife Swap they'll move me up to Assistant Producer within the month - from what I was told at the interview and then again when I got back to Two Four by Melissa who used to work on the show.

And on top of all that I get to come home to the gorgeous Chris at the end of each day.

Did I mention I've rejoined Fitness First again and am working out 4 times a week now. It's so handy that they've opened a branch 5 minutes walk from my flat and it's a nice new gym with a lot of really hot men there to give me 'inspiration'...

All in all - life is good.

Fucking Glamour Models

I never want to work with glamour models EVER again.

Yesterday was one of the longest and most tiring days of my life. All because of some airhead bimbo Scottish bitch called Kimberly Lee, who I could happily beat to death with my bare hands. And unfortunately, I'm going to have to finish the shoot next Wednesday night and Thursday with her too.

Feeling content

For the first time in a long time I realised I am feeling really good about life.

I was walking home through Finsbury Park. It was a nice summer evening with people scattered around the grass, the breeze making leaves on the trees rustle and a swarm of starlings twittering above me.

It dawned on me that I am really content with my life right now. I have a great job that keeps me busy but gives me a sense of achievement, I'm now living with a boyfriend who makes me feel happy, puts a smile on a face and obviously really loves me, my flat is getting sorted out, my car is all sorted (although it needs waxing) and I've got enough money coming through by the end of the week to pay off my debts and give me a bit left to enjoy life with.

I got home and sorted more of Chris's things out. His Bose speakers really are good and I played a few of my favourite tunes from my new diamond iPod on it before watching a Sex and the City double bill.

Life. Is. Good.

Chris moves in

Chris came home at 4.30pm and woke me up. I felt better than I thought I would and had a shower. We decided to get something to eat before moving his stuff over to my flat.

We walked down a little path by the reservoir. It was LOVELY. We walked through Clissold Park with an ice cream and couldn't believe how great the weather was. There were lots of people in the park and it was just the perfect day.

Then we wandered down Stoke Newington Church Street until we found a nice little Greek restaurant and we ordered some mezze and pimm's. I drank a lot of water. Suddenly the excess of last night hit me and I started to feel really ill. I was sweating and could smell whiskey coming out of my pores.

After a while I started to feel better and we walked back through the park. Chris went back to his to get things ready and then I drove over. We started to pack up the car and bring things over to my place. It wasn't easy but we got it all onto the roof garden.

Then we had the hard part to do. We got his side board over and put it in the living room and then we had to carry the book shelf unit by hand from his to mine. It wasn't that hard in the end. We got that into the hallway.

By then it was 11pm and I needed food so I got some KFC and chips. I ate that while watching Hustle. Chris came back from his last trip home and we went to bed. Talk about shattered!

Julian's Record Launch

I went to see Chris at his work and had some food and drinks. After that I went for a wander around Islington and it was lovely. Then I bought some clothes for summer. I got some shirts, a light pair of trousers and shorts as well as some flip flops and sunglasses. I put it on my card because I know that money from the bank will turn up on Friday.

Then I drove home and tried everything on. While watching Britain's Got Talent I decided to go to Julian Bennett's launch party at Heaven for his new single 'Camp Freddie'.

I put my new blue shirt on and headed down there for about 10.30pm. I saw Julian in the street and he told me that he'd see me inside. I went in and the first person I saw was Miss Kimberley. She introduced me to Chris Jepson who's a photographer for QX. He took lots of photos of us which was fun. Then Julian appeared again and introduced me to lots of people. There was one of the girls from X Factor there - the black girl with the big hair and great voice. Dusty O was there too and several other glamorous people. There was a photographer for OK Magazine there too and he took photos for me with Julian and several other people. He was nice and we hung out a bit.

Then Julian performed his song with some backing dancers. It was all a lot of fun. Then things got a bit blurry. I got really quite drunk in the main club and in the end decided it was time to head home. I got the bus and fell asleep on the bus so woke up in Wood Green somewhere. I got a taxi home and just got chatting to these two French boys outside the flat so invited them and their bottle of whiskey up to the flat.

Chris went to work and was laughing at how drunk I was. I had a great time with the two French boys and found out that it was Eduardo's birthday so we drank more and then passed out. At around 12.30pm they got up and headed out. I went to bed and passed out.

Chris moves in

So after 4 months, Chris has moved his stuff in.

Well he's put some of his stuff in storage and moved a few of his things in for a few weeks while he waits to hear about the place in Camden he's hoping to get.

I got home from work last night and he'd cooked a lovely meal of salmon, prawns and pasta. There were a few glasses of wine and a Sex and the City double bill.

I went out on to the roof garden for a bit and enjoyed the summer evening with a glass of wine while he read on the sofa for a bit.

We got to bed early and I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. So this is what it's like to live together...

Finding people who eat things that are still alive

I didn't want to go to work today. I'd not slept very well after I spent the night under a summer blanket following Sable deciding to wee on the bed while I was at work. Not that it was her fault - I'd accidentally locked her in the bedroom when I left for work...

I got up this morning at 6am and went to vote for the London Mayor. Even though I quite fancy Brian Paddock, I ended up voting for Ken Livingstone rather than facing the wrath of Chris and Maria. I did put Brian down as my second choice though so at least it'll count somewhere down the line.

Then I got ready for work and climbed back into bed with Chris. It just felt so good to be laying in bed with him and giggling about nothing together. But eventually it was time for me to leave for work.

I got to work and contacted the kiss and tell girl to say that we'd see her on Tuesday. Then I got hunting for someone who eats live food. Amazingly, you can eat a lot of things while they're still alive. Did you know that if you order Lobster Sashimi then the lobster is still alive on the plate and will keep moving all the way through your meal before it eventually dies. And that you can eat live octopus tentacles and live sashimi with the fish slices taken off the living fish while it's on the plate in front of you so it is still gasping for air as you eat. I was disgusted and hated seeing the footage on youtube - but it's my job to find things that people will watch and talk about afterwards so I hunted for the best I could.

Eventually I found a blog from a guy called Eddie who runs www.deepdowndining.com and saw what he gets up to. By then it was time to leave so I went to see Chris at work and had a lovely dinner at Giraffe. I had 2 glasses of wine and a lovely duck and noodle thing. The place was busy so Chris didn't have much time to spend with me but it was just nice to be around him.

I left and got the bus home. Then I sat on the sofa and watched Sex and the City with a gin and tonic.

I'm starting to feel a bit grown up. At last.

Sorting out the car

I finally got myself together to get the car fixed. I got it down to the garage before work on Monday and then went to get it first thing on Tuesday. I got to the garage early and it was still shut so I went for a wander. I'm amazed at how many very sexy Polish men there are wandering around the streets of Seven Sisters of a morning.

I got the car and drove home before getting ready and going to work.

I spent an hour on the phone to the Halifax to sort out my finances. Then I managed to find a great kiss and tell girl for the Greed show and she's Scottish with a passion for shagging the likes of Robbie Williams, Daniel Baldwin, Eminem and more before selling her story to the press. Great!

After work I got home and felt like going out. I dragged Chris out to see Chris Reardon at The Golden Lion in Kings Cross for his karaoke night. Chris was shattered but he managed to force a couple of glasses of red wine down him. There were a few of the old Gran Canaria crowd there which was nice.

We stopped off at Tesco on Essex Road and got some shopping in. Then we got home and had pizza and a few glasses of wine while watching Family Guy.

Chris had a full day of work in the morning so I ironed a shirt for us both and sent him off to work while I got ready for another day of sinner hunting.

Picnic on a sunny day

I got up around 11am and pottered around the flat. I was shattered and a bit hungover but that soon went.
It was such a lovely day and I did some laundry and let it dry on the roof garden. I woke Chris up around 1pm and we decided to go for a picnic in the park. He was really hungover and tired but we got some ice cream and other stuff and went to sit in the sun in the park for a couple of hours.
He went to work and I pottered home. I got my hair cut and then sat watching TV. As the evening went on I got more and more tired and decided to go for a little lie down for an hour.
Chris called me at 10.30 to see if I wanted to go to his bosses house for a party after work and I said yes but then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up there was no way I could have been sociable and so I sent him a text to say I couldn't get out of bed.
I fell back to sleep and only woke up when I heard Chris crashing through the front door at 5.30am. He actually looked really great considering he'd been doing dirty drugs at someone's house with people from work and an alcoholic flatmate. Sable had coughed up a fur ball right by the bedroom door and he was busy cleaning it up when I made it out of the bedroom.
I got him back into bed and of course he was horny with all the coke so I knobbed him and we went to sleep.
When the alarm went off at 8.30am I got up, ironed his top for work, laid out some pants and socks and his top along with his jeans. Made him a coffee and ran him a bath. Then I woke him up and helped him get ready for work.
He left and I chatted to Clive on Facebook for a bit while doing more laundry. I really must sort the car out today but I'm still tired so might just go and have a nap for a bit.

Back from filming in Boston again

So we finished all our filming in Boston and I drove back to London. Maria slept part of the way back down and I was shattered too but being able to drive a Mercedes ML 4x4 for 3 hours was so much fun I was determined to enjoy every second.
Chris was going to go out and meet his ex flatmate Jamie for drinks in Crouch Hill and he asked if I wanted to join them but when I got home, Jamie hadn't rang so we decided to go to Il Baccio in Highbury instead.
We had some really great food and a bottle of wine. It was so nice to just sit and chat. I brought up the fact that he hadn't changed his gaydar profile since we got together and that I would prefer it if people didn't assume he was single and making suggestive comments to him when he logged on drunk from time to time. He looked upset that he hadn't done it sooner and I felt awkward for bringing it up. But that passed and we went home, got another bottle of wine and watched Malice on TV.
I was shattered and wanted to go to bed but we sat up longer. Chris got drunk and excited so I went to sleep and he sat up reading for a bit on the sofa.

Chris breaks his toe

So Chris was wandering into the bathroom. He bashed his toe on the door and we ended up spending the afternoon in A & E at UCL.

They put his toe in a splint and said to rest as much as possible. We went for something to eat after that and felt much better. Then we went down to Soho for a pint in Profile and bumped into his friends Darren and Martin. All in all it was a nice evening and then we headed home.

While on the way to the tube, we decided to go to Pizza Hut for something more to eat. We ordered a pizza to share and I had wine and he had a Corona.

There was a VERY sexy lad sitting on a nearby table. Actually there was 3 of them. Rugby player types.

I went to the loo. Before I knew it, one of the rugby lads (the one I fancied) walked in and said 'alright mate - mind if I take off my trousers?'

It turns out that his mate had spilt wine on him and he needed to dry off. I helped with the drier. It was a hard task trying to keep eye contact while he was in his black trunks and shirt.

The meal went well. Chris and I chatted and then headed home. I was a bit drunk. We got in and went to bed so we could get up for work tomorrow.

Off to Boston with a cut hand

I got everything sorted out and packed the camera and scripts into my bag before heading over to Chris's for about 9pm. He cooked a lovely trout and vegetables meal and then we came back to mine. He'd bought some oysters and so I started to open them for us but the knife slipped and i took a huge chunk out of my hand between my fingers. There was so much blood.

Anyway, I bandaged myself up and Chris mopped the floor.

I woke up today feeling rubbish. I've got a cold, a hole in my hand and a sore throat. Not really how you want to start a 3 hour drive to the middle of nowhere.

Chris went to work and I did some laundry, sorted out the cat litter and did some bits and bobs before Maria arrived in the hire car.

We're going on a road trip. Yey!

Feeling really ill

How did I get through today? I woke up feeling so ill and I spent the day feeling as if I had elephants stamping on my shins, my head in a river of lava and rampant hedgehogs shagging in my throat.

I think I have flu. I even had stabbing pains in my big toe so I felt as if I was being bitten by beetles.

And through this I managed to interview Lulu from Boston about her relationship with food and her family and get all my notes done on the whole family so that was something good.

But when I got out of work I felt SO cold and ill and it was like that all the way home.

Now I'm home and I feel so rough. Chris just called to say he's out getting drunk with old work friends in Muswell Hill and he sounded really happy so that made me feel a bit better. At least I can have some time to myself to moan and groan before he gets home legless later on.

By then I'll need a big hug though. I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige.

God I feel ill

Chris was at my flat when I got home, which was lovely. He'd been asleep on the sofa and looked all dazed. I had been to Tesco to get us some pasta and sauce and a bottle of wine. We watched Corrie and Eastenders with some food and then watched the finale of America's Next Top Model. We got to bed around 11pm but couldn't sleep because we were both coughing. I had really bad heartburn too. On top of that Chris was snoring really loudly. And I'm sure I was too.

It was all just horrible. I woke up with a really sore through and I'm aches and pains all over. I don't really feel like I can make it into work but I'm sure I'll be fine when I get there.

Meeting Chris's sister & Hannah's birthday

What a great weekend!

After driving up to Boston in Lincolnshire with Maria through the snow to find Britain's fattest family in Britain's fattest town (and meeting some really nice people) I drove back and dropped Maria off at Southwark station. Then I went on and met Chris and his friends at Lambeth North Station. I was shattered but made the effort.

We had a quick pint at The Horse and then went on to another really old fashioned local London 'boozer' that was straight out of the late 50's. You could have imagined The Krays propping up the bar - but it was full of locals and us lot. There was a karaoke machine on and Chris sang 'It's A Sin' by The Pet Shop Boys. He was really drunk but did a great job and it was very entertaining. His singing wasn't bad either.

Eventually we decided to leave and all the way home he was telling me 'you should have gone that way' and asking me if he could park the car when we got home. Even though he couldn't actually see. We got home safely and he didn't park the car. We got burger and chips and then went to bed.

On Saturday I was shattered. We got up and he got a call from his sister Peta and her husband Ben. Chris went to meet them and I had a quick lie down. Then later I met up with them at the Natural History Museum. We had a look at lots of dinosaurs and then went for another drink in a local pub by South Kensington Tube.

Then we made a dash for it and got on the London Eye just as the sun was going down. It was great and everything looked so good. It was a clear day so you could see forever. After that we went for some Italian food near Waterloo and they went home.

I was really shattered but Chris and I went up to Hampstead to go to Hannah's birthday party at her friend's Sharrie's house. It was a stunning house on Frognall Road with a big garden. Sharrie's boyfriend Tom let us in (he's very cute with a big smile) and we met Hannah's boyfriend who's a big Irish hunk with a touch of the Colin Farrell's about him. It was a great night and we got very drunk (again). There was cake, champagne and a gorgeous dalmation.

We got a cab home at around 3am and I had such a terrible hangover on Sunday. I can't even begin to imagine how Chris made it through a day at work. In the evening we had a quiet night in with some Chinese food while watching Britain's Got Talent.

Seven Deadly Sins

So everything's still going great with Chris. It's just so much better when he's around and when he laughs it makes me feel really happy.

And the panic about work is over. I got a job. I sent out hundreds of CVs and I got a job.

I now work at a company which makes lots of really cool shows for Living TV and Channel 4, Channel 5 and BBC1. I have a great producer called Maria and we get on really well. We think similarly and talk about everything. It's great to be able to work as such a good team with someone.

We're working together on a show called The Seven Deadly Sins for Channel 5. It's great fun trying to hunt down people who fit into the categories of Wrath, Pride, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy and Lust. It's not easy but we're getting there.

My contract there is till 6 June so that takes the pressure off the money side of things and that's a huge relief.

So all in all everything's perfect in my lift right now. I've got a great job, I've got a great boyfriend, I've got a great flat and all is good in the world.

For now.

Spirit dies of cancer

Spirit died at 10.25am on 25 February 2008.

I only thought I was taking him back to the vets to get his medication changed after his back legs stopped working again with a change of treatment.

We got there. He was strangely quiet. I took him into see the vet and she looked him over but instead of saying that we'd put him back onto the same medication from last week she told me it was time to put him to sleep. She said she couldn't do it without my consent and saying yes to having the one creature in the world who trusts me implicitly put to death was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I told him I loved him and that he'd been the best cat anyone could ever have had. He died in my arms while looking into my eyes. I was the last thing Spirit saw before he died. At least it was very quick.

I had forgotten what it feels like to truly feel your heart break. It happened to me at 10.25am on 25 February 2008. I can't believe I love him so much.

Getting a boyfriend

So i met Chris for a date. I'd spoken to him on the internet a few times and we said that we'd go out on the Saturday (19 Feb). His profile picture on the internet was very flattering and he looked stunning. I couldn't believe that he'd be interested in me and part of me assumed that we'd just have a nice day out and that would be that. He suggested that we go to the National History Museum rather than the usual go out and get drunk thing. However, I was in bed when he sent that message so I passed out before I could say that I'd like it - and when I woke up it seemed that I'd offended him.
So I sent him a text in the morning saying that I'd love to do that. But there was no response. Now I really thought I'd offended him - that was it, I'd blown it before we'd even started. Eventually at about 4pm I got a text saying that he'd been out drinking with an old friend last night and only just woken up. He said it was probably too late to do the museum so we could just try a film or something. We arranged to meet at 6pm by the gates of Finsbury Park.
I walked over to meet him and couldn't believe how good looking he was. I totally wrote the evening off as going for a film, having a couple of drinks and then leaving it at that 'thanks I had fun and I'll see you around' stage.
We got on the bus to Islington. There was so much traffic that the bus didn't move far at all. Have you ever been sat on a brightly lit bus that's going nowhere, surrounded by strangers with someone you have never met before but are going on a date with? It's horrible. You don't know what to say because you know people are listening.
In the end we got off and walked back to Manor House and got the tube. That was still strange because it was so loud we couldn't hear each other.
We went to see what film was on and there was nothing we wanted to see so we decided to see 'Before The Devil Knows You're Dead' and then bought tickets before going to the pub.
It was only when we got to the pub did things start to relax. We got chatting and actually made each other laugh. Chris went to the bar and I just sat there looking at him thinking how good looking he was. I knew there was no point in me even considering this would go anywhere but maybe we could be friends if I didn't push things too far.
We had a couple of drinks and then went to see the film. It was awful. I wanted to get up and leave after about 10 minutes but Chris seemed to be watching it intently so I didn't want to seem as if I couldn't see something through so I sat there. It was the slowest film ever. And to make it worse, it kept jumping back in time to start the whole, slow and dreary thing again to show it to you from another character's perspective. Not what you want to be seeing on a first date with someone way out of your league.
When it was over I was so relieved to hear that Chris thought it was awful too. At least now we had something to discuss. We went back to the Edward IV and drank out way through quite a few gin and tonics.
As we talked I tried something. I put my foot on his stool. He didn't flinch and after a while put his on mine. We were getting along very well.
When I got up to go to the loo I suddenly found myself with my face next to his. I can't remember who kissed who first (I bet it was me - it would have had to be me) but we were kissing.
Once we started we didn't stop. We were in a naff pub in Islington at 1am on a Sunday morning, surrounded by older gay men who obviously had nobody to be at home for and we were the two hot young things kissing by the bar. Or seen in another light, we were the two drunken young tramps who should have got a room.
But the man that i thought was too good looking for me was kissing me. And we were having lots of fun. And talking about some quite interesting things as well, such as genetics, evolution and authors.
To cut a long story short, we spent the rest of Sunday in bed. It was amazing. We spent the whole day curled around each other and either sleeping or doing whatever else two gay men might do in bed together. At one point, while he was sleeping, I made us fresh coffee and got some almond danishes from the bakery downstairs, then put them on a tray and walked into the bedroom in my pants and with breakfast. It did the trick.
Eventually, Chris left. I felt amazed that he'd even liked me. Even more amazed that we'd ended up in my lovely new bed together (I knew it would be worth getting a decent new bed in the long run).
After that I played reasonably hard to get until Wednesday (all three days of playing hard to get). He suggested that we got a take away and watched some films at mine. He came over at 8.30pm and we got a pizza delivered from his favourite place in Islington called Il Baccio. We got some nice red wine and watched telly. Then a film. Then another film and another film.
We ate the pizza and we drank the wine. We curled up on the sofa and talked and talked and talked.
And there was sex too. A lot of sex.
That was Wednesday 23 January. Chris hasn't really left my flat since then apart from to do his voluntary work on Weds and Thursdays and do the odd shift at Giraffe in Islington. I'm having a lovely time with him. We get on so well and it gives an excuse to cook a lot for him. We've even changed our facebook relationship status to 'In a relationship' and I've met some of his closest friends, who all seem to think I'm lovely.
I've got a boyfriend. And not even just any old boyfriend. I've got a handsome, clever, funny, interesting, educated and slightly silly boyfriend who I feel 100% comfortable with. And best of all, he's from Cheshire too.

Jay's funeral

I went into CNN and carried on plugging away at the Open Skies Stuff. I'm so bored of it now. There's just so much information and companies don't seem to want to give out too much information in case it affects share prices.
Eventually at around 11am I got the chance to get my producers attention. I told her that it was Jay's funeral today and could I leave about 1pm. She seemed to think that I'd just turned up even though I'd been there for an hour and a half and she said 'so you're asking for the day off then?'.

I said I'd just need the afternoon off if that was OK. She said it was fine to go at 1pm.

At 12.30pm she asked me to create a table of all the companies that had bought Boeing 787's since 2004. She didn't suggest where to get the information from but I looked on the Boeing website. There were press releases and so I worked through each press release for the past 4 years and compiled a table for her. She didn't look impressed when I gave it to her and asked where I'd got the information from. I said Boeing and she seemed to accept it.

It was now 1.30pm and I had to get home, get changed and drive to somewhere near Lewisham by 3pm. I eventually left my flat at about 2.30pm and proceeded to get horribly lost. I eventually got the crematorium for about 4pm.

There was nobody there. But when I saw Jay's name on the wall in the list of funerals for the day it hit me that he was dead. I started crying. I'm glad nobody else was there.

I called Clae and he said that they were at his brother Terry's house for the wake. He told me to meet him at the end of the Rotherhithe tunnel and we'd take it from there.

I got lost again but I met him and his friends by the funeral directors car park. Clae was in the kilt that he got married to Jay in. I said it was strange to see him in it again and he told me that he was only wearing it because everything else decent that he had was lost in the fire that killed Jay.

That blew me away.

We walked up to his brother's flat and everyone was there. It was nice to see people again but not under those circumstances.

Psycho David was there and having his own drama about how much Jay's death had affected him. I didn't even bother with him this time and just got chatting to some lesbian care worker and Clae's other brother Matt. The view from Terry's flat was amazing - you can see right across London and Canary Wharf looks stunning from that angle.

Terry was lovely and looked after me and Matt and I sort of flirted. He told me about his ex-boyfriend having cancer but not wanting to tell him the details even though he knew he was going to die soon. I got chatting to Clae, Matt and Terry's mum and she was lovely. It was strange to see Jay's mum there as she'd flown out from Cape Town and she did look so much like him.

Slowly everyone left and I ended up on my own with Terry and a bottle of wine. We chatted until about 1am and I left. I got home and into bed for about 2.30pm.

I'm dreading work tomorrow. When will it end?

Starting work at CNN

Starting your first day at somewhere like CNN with a hangover is never a good idea. I'd woken up feeling rough as fuck and decided to have a Bloody Mary for breakfast to try and make things better.

So I probably turned up smelling of booze. Not great.

I got there and my producer showed me to a desk that was not really anywhere near hers. She said 'use this desk and find out all you can about which companies are flying out of which airports once the Open Skies Agreements take place in March'. Then she left me to it.

Did I know the log on password to turn the computer on? No.
Did I know where to start looking for the information she wanted? No.
Did I know where the kitchen, the toilets or anything of use was? No.
Did I feel capable of anything? No.

I eventually got her to tell me what the log on was and what exactly she wanted. That was pretty much the last contact I had with her all day.

I said hello to the girl sitting across from me. She replied "Er, yeah hi" and turned her chair away to face the other direction.

Basically the whole day was horrible. It's a really fast paced news room with no natural lighting, recycled air and lots of loud American people shouting over the room at each other. Nobody spoke to me. When I passed people in the office nobody even looked at me. Everyone was too wrapped up in their own things to notice I was even there.

It got to about 7.30pm and I was starting to wonder how long I was meant to stay for. My producer was still typing away and didn't seem to want to be disturbed. I eventually asked her when I could go and she asked me to show her what I'd done. I did and she said she wanted it in a table that could be easily read rather than the way I did it. There is so much information about the Open Skies Agreement that it was all a bit daunting to be honest.

I got out of there and called Clive. He was down at Green Carnation waiting for Robbie. I said I'd go to meet him for a drink. On the way I called Nicola. She was lovely and talked me through the day. She said that News Rooms aren't chatty places but things will get better when I've been there a bit longer.

I met up with Clive and Robbie and had a few drinks. That made me feel a bit better and I went home and had some food before bed. Spirit was looking a lot better today and the lump on his neck had gone right down so I felt relieved.

God I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Spirit's chemotherapy starts

Spirit's health has gone downhill so much since I first found a lump on his neck. He's dying.

He can't even climb onto the sofa without help and sometimes when he walks he loses his balance. He's taken to spending all his time sleeping under the bed and hardly eats a thing.

He's also starting vanishing and this morning I couldn't find him anywhere. I almost resigned myself to the idea that he'd gone to find a quiet place to die. It was pouring down with rain and freezing cold but I went out to look for him. I eventually found him on the door mat at the back of blind Tony's flat and when I picked him up he let out a very strange wheezing noise.

I got him into his carrier and took him to the vets. He was making horrible noises all the way there and I really felt like I was taking him to be put down. I was begging him not to cry and the tears were flooding down my face.

I got him into the vets and the lovely Dr. Lars took us through to the surgery. He explained everything that would happen and I said goodbye to Spirit. I'm sure they know what they're doing and I hoped things would be OK. They told me to come back and get him around 6pm.

It was a very long day and I tried to busy myself as much as I could with tidying and stuff. Eventually the time came for me to go and get him. They said he'd been good as gold and everything went well. They gave me some pills to give him each day and I paid the £130 bill for this week.

I got Spirit home and opened his carrier. He didn't seem to want to come out so I reached in and helped him. His back legs didn't seem to work and I was worried but they did say that he was going to have a few side effects. I fed himand he seemed happy to eat so that was good.

Slowly as the evening past I noticed him getting better. I opened a bottle of wine and cooked some food to celebrate him being on the mend. He definitely looked chirpier and I wired my way through the bottle of wine. And then I got another one. That went too.

So I eventually got to bed at around 3am and was rather drunk.

Filming It Pays To Watch

When it came to the actual filming of It Pays To Watch I'd had a good night's sleep beforehand and was ready and willing.
When I got there everyone was very nice to me and and there was a whole new load of people there. Sarah Cahwood had been replaced by Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee who were really friendly and nice. Debbie and I got chatting about her fitness trainer son and other bits and bobs. Paul and I were soon chatting about how Paul Daniels isn't really his name and it's just a company that he uses for his act and his merchandising. It was all very interesting.
Then a VERY handsome man turned up. We seemed to just end up chatting and got on very well indeed. I wasn't sure if he was flirting or not but he was lovely and I was very pleased to be talking to him. He's an actor and called Justin. He's in the touring production of 'Dad's Army'.
I think he was just being nice and chatting away but he did take my number and say that he'd call me when the show is coming to The Hackney Empire.
We filmed the show and it went very well. Just like the dress rehearsal but this time it flew by in no time and was a bit smoother. Martin and Ruth were great and my bit went swimmingly.

Then it was all done. I said goodbye to Paul and Debbie. Justin headed off with Martin (they're good friends) and so I headed home to watch the show when it aired at 7.30pm. I bought a bottle of wine and settled down.

It was all very good and I got lots of texts afterwards saying how good it was from everyone at Jeremy Kyle.

Ahhhh. It's nice to be back on TV again. I forgot how much fun it is.

Note to self: must get on TV more often again.

Filming the dry run of 'It Pays To Watch'

So I got to Whitely's Shopping Centre in Queensway. It brought back so many memories from when we used to film 'Anneka Rice's Capital Woman' there back in 1994/1995.

I found Princess Productions and was taken into the Green Room. There was a selection of other people there and I got chatting to everyone so that we all felt more comfortable. There was a guy there called Dave (a psychiatric nurse) who was there for mortgage advice and Tom who was there for the same gym membership thing that I was. Tom and I got on very well and strangely everyone assumed we'd known each other for ages.

We had a lot of very strange conversations - including one of Dave's patients who likes eating bin bags so that he can enjoy the sensation of them coming out of the other end. We waited a long time but at least I was able to explain why we were being left for such a long time - what with all the technical stuff that would be going on once they knew we were there.

Ruth was in there as well. She was the other presenter alongside Martin Lewis. She was sooooo lovely and friendly. She had a very tight pencil skirt on and kept asking my help in getting her off the sofa.

Sarah Cahwood was there as well (presenter from The Girlie Show back in the 90s and other stuff on This Morning etc). She was really, really nice and we sat chatting about the state of Britney while in make up together. She really joined in and was very friendly to me and Tom. She told us all about her great New Year's Eve adventure in San Diego with a group of American marines at some random bar she ended up in.

So we got miked up and went through to the studio. The whole thing was run very slickly. The crew were great and the floor manager was called Charlie and looked just like Danny Dyer. Martin was lovely and really good - the whole thing went very smoothly and it was over before we knew it. They showed the VT that was filmed at my flat the other day and then Martin interviewed Tom and myself about our discounted gym membership. Then we went and sat behind Sarah as she went through her purse as Martin told her how to save money on her daily stuff.

Then we filmed 'It Pays To Watch MORE' that is kind of like Xtra Factor and goes out on www.itpaystowatch.co.uk after each show. That was great fun to do and much easier.

Then it was all done and we were taken back to the Green Room. Martin, Ruth, Sarah, Tom and I chatted away for a bit with Guy and Laura.

After a while we all headed off and I shot home. I watched Corrie and then got in the car to go to Sainsbury's as I wanted to get a new hoover as the old one is dead and I wanted to hoover the bedroom before putting out the bed. I also wanted to get new bedsheets etc.

I got to Sainsbury's at about 9pm and got a hoover designed for pets, some really nice bedding and other bits and bobs.

Then I got home, hoovered the bedroom carpet and built the bed. Who'd have thought it could be such hard work! It seemed to take forever. By about 1am it was done, the bedding was on and I was able to get into my new bed, in my new sheets and in my bedclothes that the guys from Jeremy Kyle bought me as a leaving present.

It was bliss and I had the best night's sleep I've had in London for a long time.

The new bed arrives

Oh my god. How did I end up feeling SO hungover?

The phone rang and it was the delivery guy with my bed. He said he'd be there in about half an hour. What a relief as I was worried it wouldn't get here in time for me to leave for the rehearsal filming of 'It Pays To Watch' where Martin Lewis is finding me the best value gym membership on the show.

Guy from the show called as well to ask if I could bring along my gym kit as well just in case they decided to go with that look.

The guys from the bed company turned up. Neither of them were good looking which was a shame. They brought the bed up and I tried to look human despite feeling so rough. Of course I'd left the green cover (that I had to put the mattress in before collection) at Clive's and the guys refused to take the mattress away without it on. But as the new mattress had come in a plastic cover they agreed to use that instead. Thank god.

It was all packed up and needed me to build it but there was no way that was going to happen with the way I felt. I went back to sleep on the sofa for a bit and then threw myself out into the shower. I got dressed and eventually headed out for the filming. I'll build the bed later on when I get home after the show. It's quite exciting though to see the bedroom without that nasty old bed that's been there for 15 years.

Heading down to London

I had a decision to make. Was Spirit well enough to come to London with me or should he stay in the flat in Manchester? It was the difference between me getting the train down for 3 days or driving down and staying a couple of weeks. Katie upstairs could look after him and Sable but I'd hate myself if I got back on Wednesday night and he'd died or got really ill.
I decided to drive down. I packed up the car with clothes, food and all sorts. I got Spirit and Sable into their carriers and left the flat at about 3pm. It was actually a really easy drive down and Spirit hardly moaned on the way down in his usual manner.
The UK top 40 was on and I had a nice time singing along to the songs that were on. I got to London for about 7pm and unpacked the car. Spirit looked VERY excited to be home. He ran around the flat smelling everything and ran up and down the stairs from the roof garden to the car park and along all the other landings for an hour or so.
I was a bit worried about him being outside with his stitches but there wasn't really much I could do. I went over the road and got some food and a couple of bottles of wine in. The flat really needs a good clean and I want to sort everything out but that can wait for later in the week.
I watched telly, ate some food, drank some wine and then decided to go and see Sandra at The Black Cap. Sandra wasn't on but I saw Titti La Camp and Little John. It was only when I got home I realised I was quite drunk and fell into bed.

Spirit gets cancer

After recovering from the New Year madness I was watching TV with my cat Spirit on my lap.

I found a lump on his neck. It was about the size of a 10p coin. I checked the rest of him out and found 5 other small lumps on his back. He didn't seem bothered by them but I knew immediately what it was.

I knew it was cancer.

I let Spirit sleep on my bed for the first time in years that night. I couldn't bring myself to think about it too much.

The next morning I called the vets and they made an appointment for me on Friday morning. At least if nothing else I was going to get to see the handsome vet called Matt that I saw the last time I took spirit in.

Everyone else had gone into work today and I was getting messages on Facebook from everyone in the office asking me questions about where to find things and all that kind of stuff.
I spoke to Nicola about Spirit - she was lovely and put me at ease a bit. She told me that there's no point in thinking the worst until we'd been to the vets and got it all confirmed.

Spirit slept on my bed again that night. He seemed happy there and I wanted to make sure he was as happy as possible.

I got up early the next day. I got myself ready and got Spirit into the carrier. I got him him in the car and turned the key. It wouldn't start. The bloody battery had died because I'd left it over Christmas.

I called a cab and sat by the wall with Spirit looking at me through the bars of his carrier.

I got to the vets and waited in reception. I was nervous. Spirit was still looking at me.

We went in. Dr. Matt was as handsome as I remembered. He has such a good mannerism too and made everything seem better. He told me that it could be an allergy to my Christmas tree or something else less scary than cancer. He told me that I'd be better off leaving Spirit with him so they could run some tests and take some samples.

I walked out of the vets without my cat and walked home.

When I got home I emailed Jess at work and Nicola as well. I arranged to meet Jessica and Klare for lunch at Walkabout. I needed to get out of the flat and not think about what was going on at the vets.

Just as I was leaving the flat, I got a call from Dr. Matt. I was meant to call him after 2.30pm so why was he calling me?

"Hi Matthew," he said. "It's Matt from the vets."
"Hello," I replied. This can't be good news.
"Are you free to talk?"
"Yes."
"We got the results back from the lab. They've found something that is of concern. The results showed up some cancerous cells and it seems that Spirit has one of two types of very rare cancers and they have to do a biopsy to find out which of the two it is. Is that OK? We can do it today before you come to get him and then can get the results back next week and take it from there."

Spirit has cancer. I couldn't believe it. He's been with me through thick and thin and I never thought I could be so close to an animal. It sounds childish but he really is my best friend. Now he has cancer.

"Of course you can do a biopsy," I said. "But can I ask. Is it treatable?"
"To a point," Matt said.

That means no, doesn't it?

I asked when I could come and pick him up and then got off the phone to handsome Dr. Matt.

I went out and met Jess and Klare for lunch. We had a lovely chat and I tried to put the whole cancer thing to the back of my mind. I had a Kangaroo burger and a big glass of wine. I told them about the job at CNN and found out all the gossip from Jeremy Kyle.

I left them after lunch and wandered around The Arndale Centre and King's Street. Halfway down King's Street it started to hit me. I could feel myself welling up. I got back to the car and got home. Then I started to cry. Spirit was at the vets on his own after being operated on and he could be dying.

I called Steven and told him. He was amazing. So reassuring and helpful. He had been through the same thing with Tweaky when he got cancer and knew what I was going through. I cried so much down the phone to him and he let me. If Spirit goes then that will be the last link between us gone. He bought Spirit for me for my birthday and it took him months to find him. Spirit grew up thinking that Steven's dog Tweaky was his mummy - even though Tweaky was a labrador/terrier cross and a boy. In the end - he had to go and I got off the phone. I still wish we were together, even though I ended up leaving him and there were lots of bad times as well as good times.

Eventually the time came for me to go and get Spirit. I had got the AA to fix the car at last and so I drove over to get him.

When I sat in that waiting room I just started to blub. I couldn't hold it in. There were people around me with gerbils and dog's waiting to go in and I didn't want to cry in front of them. I just had water falling out of my eyes. I kept reading the labels on dog food and stuff. I even studied the coving on the ceiling. It didn't work. I couldn't stop crying but I was trying my hardest not to. I felt like a chav who'd just found out his pit bull was about to croak. I texted Nicola and asked her if she could come to the vets and be with me. She got straight back to me and said that of course she would. She said she'd get in a cab.

I finally got called in and this nurse who didn't know me from Adam just gave me Spirit back and the bill. I tried to ask her questions but she didn't know anything and said that I'd get a call when they got the results back.

I got out of there and just wanted to go home and hold Spirit. I texted Nicola and she told me to come over afterwards for dinner. I got Spirit home and got him out of the box. I was shocked. He had a massive cut down his back and all the fur shaved off from his back. There were stitches everywhere. It was horrible.

I made sure that he was OK and he managed to eat the Tesco finest cat food I got for him so I went over to Nicola's.

She cooked me a lovely meal and we had a really nice chat. Sam came home and we chatted about his work and stuff. They both looked after me fantastically and then I headed home.

I don't think I've ever hugged Spirit so much. He didn't just get to sleep on the bed that night. He got his own pillow and purred the whole night long.

Lunch and drinks with Alan

I got up and logged onto Facebook. My friend Alan sent me a message asking what I was up to and if I fancied coffee.

We met up for lunch at Taurus and had a chat over some very good food. He's finding the breakup with his ex very tough and hasn't been sleeping or eating well. I got him laughing and talking about all kinds of silly stuff. We went though quite a lot of beer and a bottle of red wine. I told him about the strange co-incidence of bumping into Tim all over the place and he told me about the kind of things that can happen in post office queues with handsome doctors or at The Cornerhouse Cinema with Bosnian soldiers.

The waiter was very cute but however hard I tried to flirt with him he didn't seem to notice. We left.

It was BITTERLY cold outside so we scurried to Via Fossa. Once in there we met up with a friend of his who had another friend in tow who Alan took a liking to. We all chatted and had quite a nice time. I got some guy thrown out because he kept pestering us and another group of people to see if anyone wanted to buy coke off him.

Then Alan decided it was time to head home and so I wandered about a bit but it was too cold to be outside and the bars were all dead so I made my merry way back home on the bus. I got a text from Alan thanking me for cheering him up, which was nice.

I sat and watched rubbish TV for a bit and then went to bed. Spirit was being very needy so I let him sleep on the bed for the first time in years.

Recovering from NYE and CNN job offer

I eventually woke up at 3.30pm on New Year's Day with the phone ringing. It was Richard.

"I've not got long to talk as I'm flying out to Egypt tomorrow so I have to get things done and get to bed early, but I've spoken to my producer and she seems happy enough so send us both your C.V. and we'll get you in for a trial 3 month run when you're back to London," he said. "Is that OK?"

"Oh that's great news," I said. "Thank you so much. I really appreciate it."
"Now the only thing is that as a friend I can't get involved from here on in so it's up to you and her to work things out."
"Of course, I really am just grateful of the chance."

Richard hung up and I danced around the flat for a bit.

After the initial excitement wore off the hangover kicked in and I felt so rough. I sat there watching TV. I don't even remember what I watched.

At around 8.30pm "Marine Jon" sent me a text to see if I was going to Paula's party and if so would I bring the fireworks. I said I'd come over in a bit but then the tiredness got the better of me and I had to send a text to tell him that I was going to bed.

That was the last I heard from "Marine Jon". I don't think he was happy with me standing him up...

I went to bed and slept. Very well. At last.

Jay dies and there's NYE madness

I got up quite early with every intention of getting on the train early so I could miss the rush. According to the news there were meant to be about 60,000 people trying to get from London to the North West so I wanted to get a head start.

Then my phone rang. I didn't recognise the number but I answered it anyway.

"Hi Matthew. It's Clae," I heard.
"Oh my god - Clae, how are you? Did you have a good Christmas?" I replied.
"I'm actually not that good," Clae said.
"Oh really?" I said. "What's wrong? You sound really bad."

I've known Clae for about 3 years now after he came along to be in the audience of Celebrity Big Brother a few years back with my friend Jay. I'd met Jay on the internet back in the day and he was a very attractive boy from Cape Town who had dreams of becoming a singer but had ended up working on the underground. We'd gone for a few dates but then become friends. Jay and Clae had ended up getting married last year and I'd gone to their reception. I actually ended up becoming better friends with Clae as time went on as we seemed to be the grown ups when Jay was running around having fun and filling himself up with various substances. I'd even ended up lending them £1000 a couple of years back when their rent arrears had got to a point they were going to be thrown out of their home. They'd had trouble paying me back but had worked extra hard to get me the money. Part of me wondered if they were calling me up to borrow more money, but something told me it was worse than that. As soon as Clae started the next sentence I knew it was much, much more serious.

"I'm actually calling you up with some bad news," Clae said. He was struggling to hold it together. "I went out shopping on Saturday afternoon to Covent Garden for a few hours and left Jay on his own in the flat. They think that he either put on a chip pan of oil or that he put a meal in the oven to cook, but then went through to the living room and fell asleep on the sofa."

I stopped breathing. I didn't want to hear what I was about to hear but knew what was coming.

"I got home about 2 hours later and they'd already pulled him out of the flat and were working on him on a stretcher before getting him to hospital. They think that smoke inhalation over came him while he was asleep on the sofa. They worked on him through the night and he was on a life support system and his heart was still beating but they couldn't get a response from his brain."

By this point I was just standing in my living room with my hand over my mouth. I didn't know what to say.

"They did everything they could but at 5.30am yesterday, I waited for two of my friends to get to the hospital and then I said my goodbyes and gave my permission for them to turn his machine off," Clae said with a quivering voice.

The tears were falling from my face by now. I still didn't know what to say.

"Oh my god," was all I could manage. It just didn't feel like it could be true. Jay had so much life in him. His stunning blue eyes and his cheeky boyish grin. He was only 24 when he died.

After starting to get a grip of myself I started asking Clae questions. Where was Jay now? How was Clae coping? Was he with friends? Where was he staying if the flat was burnt out?

I didn't know what I should do. I couldn't believe that I'm getting another phone call to tell me that someone I cared about had died. Only a few months ago I was being told that my friend Tim had killed himself after having a row with his boyfriend and taking an overdose while putting a plastic bag over his head (Tim was the kind of ex-forces man who never failed at what he set out to do - even when it came to ending his own life). Now this.

I told Clae that I was heading up to Manchester today but could change my plans if he needed me to. I said I'd be back next week and he said that the funeral would be after that and he had friends looking after him. After more talking he said that he'd got to where he was going and needed to get off the phone. I told him I love him and I'll speak to him during the week.

I got off the phone and sat in silence. I was numb. It didn't feel real.

In the end I decided I had to get up and get moving. I packed up everything and locked up the flat. I went over to Clive's for a bit. I was trying to put off having to deal with a journey from hell until I knew I wasn't about to break down about the news of Jay's death.

I sat and helped Clive sort out his computer for a bit and then we walked down into town, generally chatting all the way. I love Clive so much for the fact that sometimes he'll just let me be with him without asking any questions and just pottering about with me. I thought I was OK so I headed to King's Cross to get on the train to Sheffield. I had a bit of time so I got a glass of champagne at the long champagne bar and toasted Jay.

Then I got on the train. I still felt numb. I got a bottle of wine and a sandwich. I sat on the train on my own and drank my wine. The journey wasn't at all stressful and where ever these 60,000 people were, they weren't on my train. I think in the end I dozed off for a bit and woke up as we came into Sheffield.

There was a bit of a delay but I waited on the station. With everything that was going on in my head, I almost forgot it was New Year's Eve. There were some cute boys on the platform who were wearing nothing more than T-shirts (in -2 temperatures) and people were drinking from cans. I got on a train to Manchester and got to Manchester at around 7.30pm. I was tired and wanted to go to bed.

As I walked across the concourse at Piccadilly I saw a hooded top and jeans that I really recognised. It was 'Lovely Tim'. It really began to feel strange - how many times can I bump into someone in the space of one week in various parts of the country without even trying? Talk about fate.

He was with other people so I didn't want to say anything out of turn. I walked past him and didn't even know if he'd seen me. I stopped to answer my phone when Andy called me and as I stopped he passed me and flashed me a typically lovely smile. He'd seen me.

I headed to Sainsbury's and got some stuff in. A bottle of sparkling wine and a Chinese meal. And some cat food for Spirit and Sable. I got the bus home and when I walked in the flat I expected chaos but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I cleaned the place up a bit and cooked the food. I had a bath and was so tired that I was seriously considering just going to bed.

I ate my food and drank some wine. But then around 10.30pm my friend Gerwyn called to check and see if I was still going to his New Year's Party. I sorted myself out and took a bottle of wine with me.

I found his flat and walked in. Michael and Martin were there. Jon was also there (from Christmas Day). Paula was there and was the life and soul of the party as ever. Her nephew Jon and his girlfriend Emma was there as well. Jon and I got on really, really well and just started getting very silly together. I won't lie. He was attractive. He is also a marine and that has to make things even better. But he was with his girlfriend and she was also lovely. I put the attractiveness to the back of my mind and enjoyed just being silly with him.

We all got drunk and watched the New Year in on the telly with Take That on at the O2 Arena. It was all good fun.

Jon and I started a dare game of putting everything in the finger buffet in Thai dipping sauce. We put donuts in it and found out they really go well with it. We also put chocolate logs in it too and that was nice. We found out that Vanilla slices aren't so nice in sweet chili sauce.

"It tastes like a mouthful of cum!" he said laughing.

Now how the hell does a straight marine know what a mouthful of cum tastes like? Emma did explain in the end and we won't go into it on here.

So after a while we all decided to walk into town and go to Hollywood Show Bar. Jon and I got in and went to the coat check and then to the loo. My phone started ringing and it was Gerwyn screaming down the phone "Matthew! Please don't shag him! Emma's in tears thinking that you've gone off with him somewhere!"

Part of me was angry that he would think I'd do it but I kept my cool and just told him that I wouldn't do that. It was fine and we joined them. Emma was upset and Gerwyn kept repeating "Matthew please don't try to shag him. Please". What got me that Gerwyn was making out that Jon had no free will of his own and would stop being straight if I decided to hit on him. Of course he wouldn't and that's why I wasn't going to bother trying to shag him. Unfortunately, Gerwyn didn't seem to understand this. But then again, we were all very drunk so I can't blame him for being so over-dramatic.

In the end I kind of left them to their little drama that I seemed to have become embroiled in. Micheal and Martin and I danced around being very silly together. Their friend Paul turned up and we were all dancing around. Drunk. I think I can remember snogging Paul a bit, but just for fun.

We left and headed for Morning Glory. As we left, 2 lads kind of grabbed me and started chatting to me. They said that they wanted to take me back to their hotel but (after considering it for a while) I left them to it and rejoined Michael, Martin and Paul. We went to Morning Glory for a bit but I got tired and wanted to go home to bed. I got out of the club and wandered down Canal Street.

I passed a good looking slim blond lad outside The Rembrandt. We got chatting and he was called Tom and he was from Newcastle. We ended up snogging and stuff in Sackville Gardens. I walked him to his hotel and said I'd come and find him at 11.30am and take him back to my place.

I headed home to my flat. I walked home - though I don't really know why. I don't really remember the journey home but I made it and fell into bed. Unfortunately, I woke up after 3.30pm so missed out on the chance to meet up with Tom.

That was certainly a very long but very full 36 hours.